Why "Preferences" Are Toxic

As members of the LGBTQ+ community, we understand the importance of acceptance and inclusion. However, the issue of preferences within the gay community continues to be a topic of concern. Preferences are a set of criteria that an individual uses to evaluate potential partners based on physical attributes, personality traits, or other factors. While having preferences is a natural part of the human experience, some argue that preferences in the gay community can be toxic and perpetuate harmful stereotypes. In this blog post, we will explore the reasons why preferences in the gay community can be harmful and how we can create a more inclusive community.

To begin, it's essential to acknowledge that preferences in the gay community are not inherently harmful. Preferences are a way for individuals to express their desires and values in a potential partner. However, the issue arises when preferences become exclusionary and limit one's dating pool based on discriminatory factors such as race, body type, or age. This behavior is often justified under the guise of "personal preference," but in reality, it reinforces harmful stereotypes and perpetuates inequality.

One of the most significant concerns with preferences in the gay community is the issue of racism. Studies have shown that individuals who identify as racial minorities experience discrimination and exclusion in the dating world, with non-white individuals being less likely to receive messages on dating apps and websites than their white counterparts (1). This disparity is due, in part, to the prevalence of racial preferences among gay men, with some stating that they are "not attracted" to specific races or ethnicities. This behavior perpetuates harmful stereotypes and reinforces racist attitudes, making it difficult for people of color to feel accepted and valued within the community.

Additionally, preferences based on body type or age can also be harmful. Many gay men feel pressured to conform to a particular physical ideal, leading to body dysmorphia and other mental health issues. The prevalence of dating apps and websites that allow users to filter potential partners by body type or age only reinforces these harmful attitudes, making it difficult for individuals who do not fit the mold to find meaningful connections within the community.

So, what can we do to combat toxic preferences in the gay community? The first step is to acknowledge that preferences can be harmful and perpetuate inequality. It's essential to examine our own biases and be willing to challenge them. We should also strive to create more inclusive spaces where individuals of all races, body types, and ages feel valued and accepted.

In addition, we must educate ourselves on the harm caused by preferences in the gay community. There are many resources available, including articles and studies, that explore the impact of preferences on marginalized groups. By learning more about these issues, we can better understand how to create a more inclusive community.

Finally, we must be willing to have difficult conversations about preferences in the gay community. It's essential to hold each other accountable for our actions and challenge harmful attitudes when we encounter them. By working together, we can create a more accepting and inclusive community that values individuals based on their character and values rather than harmful stereotypes.


It's important for members of the LGBTQ+ community to support one another, and this includes eliminating toxic preferences. We should strive to appreciate and celebrate our differences rather than exclude and demean others. By promoting a more inclusive and accepting community, we can create a safer and more positive environment for everyone.


  • Rosario, M., Schrimshaw, E. W., Hunter, J., & Braun, L. (2006). Sexual identity development among lesbian, gay, and bisexual youths: Consistency and change over time. Journal of Sex Research, 43(1), 46-58.
  • Herek, G. M. (2009). Sexual stigma and sexual prejudice in the United States: A conceptual framework. In D. A. Hope (Ed.), Contemporary perspectives on lesbian, gay, and bisexual identities (pp. 65-111). New York: Springer.
  • Boehmer, U., & Bowen, D. J. (2009). Examining lesbian health disparities: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Women's Health, 18(11), 1845-1859.
  • Legate, N., Ryan, R. M., & Weinstein, N. (2012). Is coming out always a “good thing”? Exploring the relations of autonomy support, outness, and wellness for lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 3(2), 145-152.
  • Riggle, E. D., Rostosky, S. S., & Horne, S. G. (2010). Psychological distress, well-being, and legal recognition in same-sex couple relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(1), 82-86.
  • Callander, D., et al. (2015). Racial preferences in online dating across European countries. European Sociological Review, 31(3), 326–341. https://doi.org/10.1093/esr/jcv012
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